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Make Your Screenplay Better #2

05 Sunday Jun 2016

Posted by Eric Alagan in screenplay review, screenplay tutorial

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

beginners guide to screenplays, character development, effective scripts, feature film screenplays, how to write screenplays, movie scripts, opinions, review scripts, reviews, screenplay acts, screenplay format, screenplay goals, screenplay tips, screenplay tutorials, write screenplays

  • Opening scene of a feature length screenplay.
  • Pick out the common screenplay writing errors.
  • Consider how to improve your scripts.
  • Note: WordPress does not allow a faithful rendering of the Final Draft screenplay format. Hence, the spacing below is slightly out. But they suffice for our purposes.

Mystery Woman

FADE IN

EXT. – HAVANA WOMEN’S PRISON – DAY

MARIATA, 30s, latin , brunnette , good looking, leaves prison. She looks tense. She steps toward a car that is waiting for her . DIEGO, 20s, latin, is the driver. He gets out, they hug and he opens the door for her. Mariata gets in the car and they drive away .

EXT. – IGNATIO OCHO STREET, HAVANA – NIGHT

Mariata walks along street toward a shabby two storey apartment block. She bounds the stairs to the second floor, stops at one of the doors.

MARIATA (Shouts.)
Mami!

She puts her head to the door, listens, knocks. No response. She takes a key from her pocket and lets herself inside.

INT. – IGNATIO OCHO APARTMENT – NIGHT

Mariata steps into the living room of the small apartment. The curtains are drawn in the living room is a small bed with an old lady, ABRILLA, MARIATA’S MOTHER, 60s, in it . She breathes from a machine at the side of the bed.

MARIATA
Mami!

ABRILLA
Ola, hija!

Mariata rushes to the bed and they embrace. Mariata sits down next to Abrilla.

MARIATA (In Spanish .)
It stinks in here. Like sickness.

ABRILLA (In Spanish.)
No, daughter. Like death.

MARIATA
You are not going to die Mami. Not now.

Mariata gets up and opens a window. Traffic noises are heard through it. The room is lit by a prayer candle . Mariata takes a package of cigarettes and some matches from the side of her mother’s bed and lights up. It’s obvious that Abrilla then finds it a little more difficult to breathe but her happy expression shows that she loves the smell.

MARIATA
Hold on Mami, hold on. I will get money
and move you to a much better place.

ABRILLA
I’m tired Mariata, so tired. It’s hard living here.
I long to go to the other side.

MARIATA
No Mami! I’m going to get you a beautiful home.
I promise you. I just got out today, give me a
little time… I hear Marco is making money.
Lots of it.

ABRILLA
You are such a good daughter Mariata, such a
good daughter. I trust you. Not like your
useless brother Marco.

MARIATA
I’m the useless one, remember. Trust doesn’t
come into it with Marco. But I know who
he works for I’m going to talk to the guy,
get me a regular good paying job.

ABRILLA
Just be careful it’s not dangerous Mariata…
Are you staying here tonight?

MARIATA
No mami, I have to go.

Mariata begins to leave the room.

MARIATA (CONT’D )
Don’t forget, Mami. If my parole officer
stops by, I’m staying here with you.

ABRILLA
Mariata?

MARIATA
Yes?

ABRILLA
Leave the cigarette burning in the ashtray.

###

Updated on 12 June 2016: Areas that need improvement.

  1. Typos – first impressions (especially in the first page, Scene 1) count plenty. Typos indicate a lack of professionalism, a lack of care.
  2. There is a format when first introducing characters. This is lacking.
  3. Clunky narration/action lines.
  4. Incorrect use and placing of parentheticals.
  5. Incorrect tense in sentences – use present, not past, tense.

Note:

  • The scene headings are perfect.
  • All the other formatting elements are accurate.

###

Revised screenplay uploaded 26 June 2016

NB: WordPress does not faithfully replicate screenplay format.

FADE IN

EXT. – HAVANA WOMEN’S PRISON – DAY

MARIATA, 30s, Latin, good looking, steps out of the prison gates 
and with great disdain, scans the empty parking lot. 

EXT. – IGNATIO OCHO STREET, HAVANA – NIGHT

Mariata walks along a street toward a shabby two storey apartment 
block. 

She bounds up the stairs, her movements sleek and catlike, and 
stops at a door on the fifth floor.

                          MARIATA 
                      (softly)
                    Mami!

She puts her head to the door, listens and knocks. 
No response. 

She retrieves a key from her backpack and lets herself into the…

INT. – IGNATIO OCHO APARTMENT – NIGHT

Mariata steps into the studio apartment and immediately covers 
her nose with her hand. The place, curtains drawn shut, is in 
semi-darkness. 

Mariata steps over strewn clothing. 

On the coffee table, squashed beer cans and an open box of 
shrivelled pizza.

                           MARIATA
                      (whispers)
                    Mami!

ABRILLA, 60s, stirs on the bed. She breathes from a machine. 
The nose cup mists and clears with every laboured breath.

On a nightstand beside the bed, a clutter of medicine bottles 
and soiled cotton-rolls in a kidney tray complete the squalor.

                          ABRILLA
                 Ola, hija!

Mariata takes Abrilla’s hand in hers.

                          MARIATA 
                      (In Spanish)
                 The stench.

                          ABRILLA 
                     (In Spanish.)
                 The smell of death.

                          MARIATA
                 You’re too stubborn to die. 

                          ABRILLA
                 Even the Angel of Death does not care.

Mariata opens a window and traffic noise injects live into 
the mite-filled room.

Mariata lights a cigarette for herself.

Abrilla coughs but relishes the smoke.

                          MARIATA
                 I hear Marco is doing alright. 
                 Making plenty of dough.

                          ABRILLA
                 Your brother, he’s useless.

                          MARIATA
                 I’ll get some of that dough. Get
                 you a better place to live in.

                          ABRILLA
                 I fear for you.

                         MARIATA
                 I’ve survived prison.

                         ABRILLA
                 You staying the night?

                        MARIATA
                 No, have to go.

Mariata kisses her mother.

                        ABRILLA
                 So soon?

                          MARIATA
                 A parole officer will stop by. Tell
                 them I’m staying here with you.

                          ABRILLA
                 Mariata?

                          MARIATA
                 Si, Mami?

                          ABRILLA
                Light me a garet.

                          MARIATA
                 Mami, no!

Abrilla pulls off the nose cup. 

                          ABRILLA
                 Light me a garet.

Mariatta sighs, lights a cigarette and places it in her mother’s 
lips.

                          MARIATA
                 You smoke in bed, you go up in flames.

Abrilla ignores her and drags on the cigarette.

With a sigh, Mariata sets down her backpack and settles on the 
bedside chair.

                                                        FADE OUT

###

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************ Copyright @ Eric Alagan, 2016 ************

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Make Your Screenplay Better

17 Tuesday May 2016

Posted by Eric Alagan in screenplay review, screenplay tutorial

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

beginners guide to screenplays, effective scripts, feature film screenplays, how to write screenplays, movie scripts, review scripts, screenplay acts, screenplay format, screenplay tips, screenplay tutorials, screenwriting 101, script writing for beginners, tips for scriptwriters, write TV scripts

How to do a script analysis? What would a script editor do?

This is a raw version of the opening scene for a 1-hour TV pilot.

  1. See if you can pick out all the errors.
  2. How is character development?
  3. What about the dialogue?
  4. Consider how you might improve on this version.

Note: WordPress is unable to format to Final Draft, hence the formatting is slightly off. However, for our purposes, this is an accurate enough presentation.

a galaxy far away

INT. TRONIAN STARSHIP – BRIDGE

AUTMANN (CAPTAIN) KRYLEON sits in the center of the bridge.

Surrounding him are other Tronian aliens, each at their stations.

Tronian aliens are humanoid, have bony ridges on their skulls and their skin often has mottled patterns of darker pigmentation.

The ship is being rocked and buffeted hard as it comes out of a very rough patch of space.

Everything smooths out and each of the crew visibly relaxes.

The forward display shows a star field.

The helmsman makes his report in the melodious formal tones of the Tronian aliens, sounding faintly Germanic.

HELMSMAN
Autmann, we have cleared the particle
storm. Instruments returning to
normal.

KRYLEON
Excellent. Where in Veruum are
we?

HELMSMAN
Unknown. Projected calculation
time: six sentauns.

Kryleon sighs in frustration.

NAVIGATOR
Sir, there is a living planet on
the scan.

Kryleon perks up.

KRYLEON
Living? How far?

NAVIGATOR
Three days. Scan shows it to be
heavily inhabited by a level six
civilization.

KRYLEON
Level six? Is that even worth
contacting?

SCIENCE OFFICER
They may not have star travel but
they are not far off. We should be
able to get the materials we need
for repairs.

KRYLEON
Very well. Set course and let us
see what we find.

Kryleon stares at the forward display, the Sol star looking a little bigger and brighter than the others.

The crew on the bridge becomes very busy, each working the controls at there station.

###

Updated 20 May 2016:

Considering that this is the very first scene of a pilot episode for a TV series – the opening could be more cinematic.

The scriptwriter has given the captain, (“Autmann” – in the Tronian lingo) a name – Kryleon – and as he appears in the very first scene, one can assume he is an important character – perhaps even the protagonist or antagonist.

All the other characters do not have names. The scriptwriter refers instead to their job functions – helmsman, navigator and science officer. This is a hint that these are bit players. Or, it could be an oversight by the scriptwriter. 

Without access to subsequent scenes or better yet, the first Act, it’s difficult to draw conclusions.

These restrictions notwithstanding, I shall draw my own conclusions. You feel free to do the same.

###

31 May, 2016

Here is my revised version. You’re welcome to suggest improvements.

                         THE TRONIANS

EXT. SPACE - ESTABLISHING

A bright spot in the ocean of speckled black. Faraway rumbles. 
Bright flashes of light. A cosmic storm rages. Space debris 
shoot past. 

A silvery speck emerges, FILLS the screen and careens away. 

A SPACESHIP!

INT. TRONIAN STARSHIP – BRIDGE

Flashing lights and KLAXON alarms punctuate the ship’s dim 
interior. Gradually, the buffeting smoothens and the mayhem dies. 

LIGHTS come on.

The CREW are humanoid – TRONIANS – bony ridges on skulls and 
light skin with dark mottled pigmentation.

CAPTAIN KRYLEON, lithe and well-toned, has the bridge. 

                        CAPTAIN KRYLEON
            Damage Control, report!

Kryleon’s voice is Germanic.

An equally nasal voice comes over the intercom.

                        DAMAGE CONTROL (O.S.)
            Electrolyser mains inoperative. Backup holding 
            for now, Captain.

                        EXCO BARAGA
            We need to put her down, Captain.

EXECUTIVE OFFICER BARAGA is a burly battle-scared Tronian 
but with a kind face.

The crewmen turn, expectantly, to their captain. 

Kryleon feels their intense gaze but deigns not to notice. 

The forward display panel shows a STAR FIELD.

                        CAPTAIN KRYLEON
            So, this is Veruum. What’s there?

SCIENCE OFFICER LUTZ, young and geeky, reads off his screen.

                        S.O. LUTZ
            A sol star, sir. Coordinates 76-45.
            Distance, 24 sentauns.

A green planet appears on the wall screen. 

                        CAPTAIN KRYLEON
            Nothing nearer?

                        S.O. LUTZ
            It’s the only inhabitable planet
            in this solar quadrant, sir.

Lutz works his touchscreen.

                        S.O. LUTZ (CONT’D)
            The planet is home to a simian civilization, 
            sir. Level six.

                        CAPTAIN KRYLEON
                  (to Baraga)
            All this way to visit a zoo!

Baraga's shrug says they don't have a choice.

                        S.O. LUTZ
            Sub surface pingbacks indicate
            they’ve the minerals we need
            for our repairs, sir.

Kryleon throws a look at Baraga and nods.

                        EXCO BARAGA
            Okay, put her down! And try not to punch
            another hole in her belly.

The crew gets busy.

                        CAPTAIN KRYLEON (CONT’D)
            Green planet. Are the inhabitants green too?

                        S.O. LUTZ
            Take a look, Captain.

The screen shows HUMANS on earth.

                                                  FADE OUT

Updated 31 May 2016:

Over the next few days, in the comments section below, I shall post the rationale underlying the revisions. Considering that screenplays are highly subjective, you might not agree with all the points. Nevertheless, at the very least, these serve to pique interest and provide a second opinion to any screenplay.

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****** Copyright @ Eric Alagan, 2016 ******

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All great movies start life as a great screenplay but not all great screenplays end life as a great movie.

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